Hutfilz Family Herald

Our New Blog

2011-05-29T20:49:00.000-04:00

Hello!
You can now find my writings at Finding Food In The Barren Land

Stop on over to say hi!

The End...

2011-05-17T20:53:00.000-04:00

It was one year ago today that we saw this sweet face for the first time. (We got our file with pictures the night after we received our referral call) One year since I had dreams of us sitting in Panera looking at a picture of a little boy wearing a white onesie with blue bears on it. One year since we fell in love with one sweet boy.

What a difference a year makes. Now he is here, with us each and every day. Making us laugh, and growing before our eyes. Teaching us more than we teach him, each and every day.

We have come full circle, and with this it is time to end the Hutfilz Family Herald. We started this blog to keep everyone up to date on the adoption, and it has served us well for that. It is just time to head in a new direction.

Will I blog again- absolutely. In fact, it is already in the works. The focus will just be a bit different, still including updates on our family, just more about life in general too. Thank you for following along with us over the past 2 and a half years!

A Big Long Catch Up...

2011-05-16T21:52:00.002-04:00

On April 11, 2011 we stood before our family and dear friends and publicly declared what we have all known for a long time. That Lil' Buddy is ours. Yes, it is finally official - he is legally a Hutfilz. It was a great day, even though it rained, and our dear friends who drove us to the airport and another friend of ours joined our family to share in this day. One of the other families also finalizing was the family of the little boy who came home on the same plane as Lil' Buddy. The first 7 months of our family flew by!

On April 23, 2011 we celebrated our first Easter with Lil' Bud. We attended the early service at church, then went to breakfast with our friends. We had 7 children (all 7 and under) and 8 adults. It was a blast - and one of my favorite Easter traditions. We also had our family over for Easter Dinner - Here is Lil' Bud with this Grampy B. They are fast friends - can't you tell?

Checking out one of his Easter Baskets (He had 3, one from us, one from Poppy H and Aunt Sarah, and one from Grammy and Grampy B.) This one was the favorite - mostly because he got to keep and play with the blue bucket. We DAILY load and unload things from this. All day. (This is also a pretty typical face for him right now - it is mostly accompanied by a loud "OOoooo". It is used for look at me, look at this, what is this - a pretty universal sound)

Our First Easter together...

Here is Lil' Bud and I on my first Mother's Day. It was a great day! (Another "Ooooo" - I think our neighbor had his tractor out mowing. He LOVES the tractor)

Here is a special day for us - Lil' Buddy's Baby Dedication at church. This was important to us, to publicly declare our desire to raise him to know the Lord, and thank the Lord for him... the significance of this is that it was one day shy of our Referral Anniversary. Yep, one year ago we first found out about our little man! (We saw his picture the first time the next day.)

And with that, I think we are all caught up!

On Mother's Day

2011-05-08T00:00:00.001-04:00

This day used to bring me to my knees with tears. I cannot let myself feel the joy in this day without remembering the pain that brought me here. The long journey we had, the tears cried, the sleepless nights crying out to God to just save me. About a month after Lil' Buddy came home I was rocking him to sleep and realized that had I gotten my way - he would not be here. I almost could not breath at that thought. I cannot imagine my life without him as my son. He made me a mother - that sweet little guy.

I cannot let this day pass without celebrating some of the other Mothers in my life...

To my Mom - Thank you just doesn't seem enough. We could not have made it through this year without her love and support. From making meals, to cleaning and washing clothes, to going to a million stores to try and find vasaline in a tube - all of it with joy to be doing it for us. I love how she loves my child, and how he loves her. There is a special bond there (Mostly because he has already figured out that he can get away with anything while with Grammy). If I grow to be even half as great a Mom to Lil' Buddy as she is to us - he will be one blessed child.

To Lil' Bud's Foster Mom - This wonderful lady and her family took my sweet little baby into their home and raised him as their own. The love and joy she showered on him, all the while knowing he would be with them for just a short time never ceases to amaze me. I have no doubt that the love and care she gave him prepared him for coming to us. He is an amazing little guy, and she knew and nurtured that. Thank you for the sacrifices of your time, care and heart that you so easily gave him.

To Lil' Buddy's Birth Mother - I would not be a Mom if it were not for her. This day makes me sad for her, that she doesn't know the pure joy that is her child. That she has never heard his sweet laugh, or know his darling personality. I wonder if she thinks of him, and I pray that she knows he is just fine. I cannot thank her enough for choosing life for him.

And now, to end this post - the Little Guy who will easily steal your heart - Lil' Buddy.
(I promise to get the rest of our journey caught up in the next week!)

The story behind this picture is that he is not wild about the grass, and his shoe came off. He was pretty upset at his foot touching the grass, and lost his balance and sat down. With his shoe-less-foot sticking up not touching the ground. So what did this Mama do - rush to his aide? Nope. Put his shoe back on? Nope. She grabbed the camera.

Christmas - Part 1

2011-01-25T09:00:00.020-05:00

We had lots of Christmas Fun! Here is Lil' Buddy visiting Santa for the first time. We waited until two days before Christmas, and headed off! Thankfully, the line was minimal, and he seemed OK with Santa! (Santa thought he was just a cutie!) He told Santa he wanted a "Tickle Me Elmo" - you will have to wait and see if he received it!

Lil' Buddy finally got to meet his cousins - their Mama, her brother and I grew up together and we love the pictures now of us through the years together. We decided to start the tradition this year and get the picture! Here C1 is two years old, Lil' Buddy is one, and C2 is just a newborn! This picture pretty acuratly described the situation, with C1 runnint, Lil' Buddy checking things out and C2 crying. We loved it!

Here is Lil' Buddy with one of his favorite presents - a stuffed Lemur that makes actual Lemur sounds! Thanks Brian and Brooklyn!

Here is Lil' Buddy getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve! He loved his special jammies, especially the reindeer feet!

So excited for my first Christmas with my forever family!

A First Birthday Party

2011-01-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

That's right folks! We have a One Year Old!
In keeping with Korean Tradition, we had a huge bash and Tol Ceremony.

First, I must thank my Mom and Dad (AKA - Grammy and Grampy) for all of their help with the party! We could not have done it without them!

The theme of his party was fish! When we had started planning, Lil' Buddy and I had just watched "Finding Nemo" and he loved it! We had cupcakes for dessert, and I made decorations for each cupcake.

Here he is with Grampy and his favorite "Ba Ba" (Balloons!)

These were the favors, Small Fish Shaped cookies!

Here is the TOL table - we had a Bible to represent a career in ministry, a paintbrush to represent a career in art, a hammer to represent a career in architecture/construction/engineering, a mouse to represent a career in technology, a $20 to represent a career in finance, an i-pod to represnet a career in music.

We made a game of this, and had people guess which item Lil' Buddy would pick.

He chose the $20! (Just a note, his foster family also had a Tol ceremony for him before he came home. He chose paper money in that ceremony too!

Next it was time for cake! Before looking ahead, do you think he loved or hated the cupcake?

Yep - he hated it! Just like his Mama! He hates having anything on his hands, so the frosting flipped him out.

For some reason, we thought we would try again on his actual birthday. You know, because two days makes all the difference. Here he is before -

And After. We took a bath right after this!

Next up - Christmas!!!

A Little Catch Up...

2011-01-23T13:28:00.001-05:00

Hello Again -
I know that it has been a while, and we have a lot to catch up on! Instead of one big post, check back this week for lots of updates! We have Thanksgiving, a First Birthday, and Christmas!

Thanksgiving 2010 -
We spent Lil' Buddy's First Thanksgiving with Grammy and Grampy B's house with Poppy H. We had a great time! You will notice that Lil' Buddy has a super cute haircut in these photos - he did not like that process.
We gave him turkey and sweet potatoes, of which he really didn't care for. He did love having his puffs though!

Here is the happy family! Lil' Buddy's Shirt says "Baby's First Thanksgiving" He LOVED feeling the embroidery on his shirt!

Lil' Buddy with Grampy B and Poppy H. He is such a ham, and loved showing off for everyone that day!

Here are some more pictures from the day!

In Memoriam...

2010-12-28T12:19:00.000-05:00

This past week a friend of ours went to Heaven. On Thursday morning we received a phone call that Robb Williford - beloved husband, father, son, brother, friend - went suddenly before us to his Heavenly home. This news shocked us and immediately brought us to our knees for his family. I have known his wife Tricia since High School, and met Robb when Steve and I were engaged. He was the kind of man that made you feel like you had known him forever the moment you met him. He and Tricia had the kind of marriage that fair tales are written about, he loved her with his whole being - and she loved him with hers. Just knowing them made your world a better, brighter place. They have two little boys, 5 and 3, who adored their father, and was adored by him as well.

I wish with all my heart that I could say this was a mistake. In fact, I had to go to the store twice to buy a card for them, because I just couldn't do it the first time. Part of me kept thinking that it just wasn't happening. It was by far the hardest purchase I have ever had to make.

I wish that I could just fix this, make it all go away- but I cannot. I wish I could provide Tricia with some clarity as to why this happened, but I cannot.

I keep thinking of Steven Curtis Chapman's song 'Beauty will Rise' and the opening line about how it was the day the world went wrong - because last Thursday it did. I know, as I am sure that Tricia and their families do, that this was part of God's Will for them. But that doesn't make this any easier, or make me, or anyone who knew them, question "Why?" any less.

Another part of that song says "It will take our breath away, to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes". Our biggest prayer for them right now is peace. And that they can at lease see a glimpse of the beauty. Because it has to be there, because that is the only way that any of this makes sense.

Robb's memorial service is tomorrow evening, and my request to you, my readers, is to pray hard and fervent for them the next few days, weeks, months. If you feel led, you can check out Tricia's blog here and leave them a message or prayer.

Robb, you will be missed here on earth by so many...

Isaiah 61:3
Provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor

Picture This...

2010-11-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

50 FREE Photo cards from Shutterfly! If you have a blog, you too can receive 50 free photo cards! Just go here for more details - http://bit.ly/sfly2010

While I greatly enjoy making our Christmas Cards each year, with a new baby here I just don't have the time! I was so excited to check out their Christmas Card selection, (View the selection here http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards) and I love this one

And This one!

And this one!

I am not sure how we will ever decide which one to pick!

They also have fantastic gifts for those hard to buy for folks we have in our lives

Calendars - http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars

Photo Mugs - http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs

They have it all! I LOVE this site, we used their products for Lil' Buddy's adoption announcements and they came out great! While I will miss making our cards this year, I am glad that we found a way to still have personal cards. We want to make sure to share extra cute pictures of Lil' Buddy and document our first Christmas as a family of THREE!

Just In Case You Wondered...

2010-10-25T23:13:00.000-04:00

We have had a lot of questions about how we are doing, how Lil' Buddy is - so I thought I would take a moment to answer them! (if I miss one, or if you have other questions, please leave a comment!)

1. What do you love the most about Lil' Buddy?
I just love his smile. It took us a few days to see it for ourselves, but I love it. I love how he came home with just two little teeth on the bottom, and now is working on a few more. He loves to laugh, and loves to have us make him laugh, and loves to make us laugh. I just can't get enough of his smile.

2. What do you love most about being a Mama?
I love hearing my son call me Mama. I love how he calls for me from his crib, so urgent, then when I open the door I hear him say Mama with such recognition and relief. He wants me, his Mama. Because he knows that I will make it all OK - whatever it is at the moment. (usually a clean diaper or a bottle - pretty easy to meet those needs right now!)

3. What is surprising me?
Honestly, that this transition has been easier than I had anticipated. Don't get me wrong - this has totally turned our lives upside down, but in a great way. I have to remind myself often that it has only been 7 weeks, because it often feels like he has just always been here.

4. What do I loose sleep over?
For a while, it was if Lil' Buddy was really bonding with us, or if I was just missing something. After the adoption specialists we are working with assured Steve and I that he is just fine, and is well bonded with us, I felt better. Now I think the biggest things are just making sure that he is on track developmentally. (He had issues at birth as well as being 8 weeks early)

5. What am I really good at?
Well, you all know I am SuperMom! Ahem. Really though, this is hard to answer. Some days I think we have it all together. Then we wake up the next morning, and have days like today. Where someone doesn't want to nap, is fussy, and nothing seems to please him. So I guess I would say that I am getting better at going with the flow of life, and not stressing about plans being changed, or schedules being set. Focusing on the great things, and not so much on the hard things.
(And, I think I have set the land speed record for changing a dirty diaper!)

6. Would we ever adopt again?
I think the quick answer is - if God calls us to, then yes we will.

7. How is Lil' Buddy adjusting?
He is doing phenomenally well. Every day he surpasses every expectation we had for where we would be at this point. About a week and a half ago we had a 1/2 day evaluation with the adoption clinic we are working with. He was evaluated by the OT, the physician and the psychologist. Developmentally, he is exactly or ahead of where they would expect him at this point. Physically, he is healthy as can be - and the psychologist agreed that he is very well bonded with us at this point. We are very aware that this is not everyone's experience, and we can only praise God for answered prayer as we prayed from the first day of this adoption that our baby would come come and just know we are his family. And he has.

8. What are some of the cute things Lil' Buddy is doing now?
He says Mama as loud as he can, yet almost always whispers Dada. He is fearless... and yes it scares me. He will literally go go go until he drops, usually in the middle of the living room. He definitely has an opinion, and definitely lets it be known. He just learned this wonderful, high pitched squeal, and love to share said noise with me all day long. Thankfully (for Steve) he is usually over it for the day by the time Daddy gets home.

And, just a picture because I love it. This was from my birthday!

Just Thought You Would Like To Know....

2010-10-12T21:02:00.000-04:00

We now have a 10 month old. How did that happen?

A little over a month ago, we brought home this scared, small little baby. Somehow this morning I took a LITTLE BOY to get his pictures taken professionally for the first time.
Overall, we are doing well. It already seems like he has just always been here. He seems to be adjusting well, and we are too. I am almost afraid to mention this, as I don't want to jinx it - but he has been sleeping through the night since Friday night. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, that is 4 whole nights. He is taking 5 or so 6 ounce bottles a day, and eating a total of a jar and a half of baby food.

Tomorrow we have a half-day appointment with the adoption specialists, they will review how he is bonding, do a another full physical, and a review of his physical development. (He was 8 weeks early, so I am curious to see where he is tracking.)

(P.S. - Deb (Of "Scott and Deb" won the contest. She was the closest, and shared the great news that BNL has a KIDS ALBUM!!!)

Here are a few new pictures!

Funny Story about this picture - there is one of me at about the same age, fast asleep in my high chair.

Yeah. He can also get his little toes up on the inside ledge detail of the front. Mommy is so thrilled with that.

This was at our dear friend's 30th birthday party - and Lil' Bud's first trip to the pumpkin patch!

It's Been One Week...

2010-10-02T21:39:00.000-04:00

Since you looked at me. Threw your arms in the air and said "You're Crazy". (Anyone get the quote? Maybe a small prize for the first one to leave a comment with where that quote is from :o) )

It has actually been one month since we finally met our little man. Overall, we are doing pretty good. Sleep is a touchy thing, but we will get there too. I already can't remember what it as like to not have him here, and love him so much already.

In one month I have learned that I have a very smart, very curious, VERY active 9 month old little boy. He laughs easily, and really only fusses when something is wrong. And he has one hot temper! He has had two pediatrician appointments (one with the adoptive health center, and one with our regular doc - and I made it through him getting shots). Both have said that we are doing great! He is bonding well, and really knows who we are. He is starting to recognize his name, and always looks for Gracie when we call her. He mimics our sounds, and babbles a LOT to us. He LOVES the car, his exisaucer, and his carrier and we are working on the stroller. He has already started to sleep in his crib. He always looks for us first, and is usually easily calmed when we pick him up.

Forever Family Day was hugely emotional for us...I am just not ready to share a lot about that. Maybe one day, but just not yet.

Here are a few pictures from the past weeks.

In One Day...

2010-09-03T09:00:00.003-04:00

In one more day-
I add a new title to my name
We add a new life to our home
Our lives are forever changed
I don't get to "sleep in" for a very long time
My time will be taken up with stories, laughter, bathtimes
With crying, diaper changes, big messes
I will have a whole new set of things to worry about
I join the club with so many of my friends

In one more day.

Worry Much?

2010-08-25T00:03:00.000-04:00

I have a confession. I have been stressing out and worrying about a lot of things lately. Like seeing 3 AM more than I did in college, up all night worrying. One of the biggest topics is being totally consumed with being the best Mom to Lil' Buddy that I can. I worry about making sure I do everything I can to help him bond with us, and to raise him knowing and loving God from the beginning. I worry about falling into old, selfish habits I have, and I worry that I just don't know what to do. I worry about such little things - like which diapers to buy, or which bottles, or will he like this lotion for after his bath, or that one. I feel like we have waited oh so long for this, that I have only one shot to do it all right the first time. That's a lot of pressure, even for someone as laid back and easy going as myself. (Please don't choke on your laughter at that last part.)

I have been reading a book called "The Parent You Want To Be" by Les and Leslie Parrot. (Note: I highly HIGHLY recommend this book. It isn't a "how to parent your child" book, it is a "how to make you a great parent") After reading this, I came to a conclusion. It isn't about me at all. It is all about allowing God to work through me. It is all about working as hard as I can each day to mirror God's character to my husband and child. It's that simple.

I was listening to a CD in the car the other day with "oldies" on it. One came on that I have loved since the first time I ever heard it. "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I almost had to pull the car over, I was laughing and crying, and suddenly just so free from all the weight I had put on my own shoulders. I realized this -

I don't know how to be a Mom to our Little Man, any more than he knows how to be a son to us. We're both gonna have to figure it out as we go.

So, in the words of SCC -
"My heart is racing and my knees are weak as I walk to the edge
I know there is no turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge.
And in the rush, I hear the voice
That's telling me its time to take a leap of faith
So Here I go!
I'm Diving In, I'm going deep
In over my head I'm gonna be
Lost in the rush, lost in the flow
In over my head I want to go
The river's deep, the river's wide
The river's water is alive
So sink or swim, I'm diving in!"

Friends - I'm about to jump in.

A Little Closer than we Thought...

2010-08-18T13:08:00.000-04:00

Well, we are a little closer to the end of the journey than we thought!

Yes my dear friends - Lil' Buddy is coming home!
He is expected to be here Labor Day weekend! We are super excited, scared, and nesting like crazy!

(Sorry for the short update! LOTS TO DO!)

Love you all,
Beth

The Journey of a Thousand Miles...

2010-08-13T09:55:00.000-04:00

Begins with one step ~ Lao- Tsu

Two years ago today Steve and I sat on our back patio and had a discussion and made a decision that changed our lives. We decided to adopt a baby. We took the first step of this long journey. It has been an amazing, hard, wonderful journey that isn't quite over. We are at the last 10 mile stretch. We have grown stronger, in our faith and our marriage. We have learned so much about ourselves and each other.

We are happy to report today - we are close to the finish line. Lil' Buddy has been given immigration approval, and has a pending Visa interview. The most simple way to explain this is that a) the government has approved us to be adoptive parents and to immigrate an orphan to the U.S. b) Lil' Buddy has legally been classified as an orphan eligible for immigration to the U.S., c) The government has approved us to be his adoptive parents and d) he will be going to the US consulate in S. Korea within the week to interview for his Visa. What this means is our 1000 mile journey is soon coming to completion.

I would like to take this moment to share some of the answered prayers we have had over the past two years.

The financial cost of the adoption - When we started this, we had no idea where the funds for this would come from. Our plan was to trust God, and do what we could to be as close to debt free from the adoption by the time the child came home. When I lost my job we knew we could made our monthly bills, but did not know how we would continue to save for what we knew we still owed. We are happy to report that as of today, due to the generosity of family and friends, and receiving a grant, we have all but $1,800 of this endeavor paid for. This is huge for us, as when we started we had no idea where we would get this money.
We prayed that we would know why our child was released for adoption - We have more information on this than we thought. It is amazing.
We prayed that our child's birth mother would got to a Christian Woman's Home - We know that Lil' Buddy's birth mother was at the Salvation Army Women's Home before giving birth.
We prayed that our child would be with a fantastic foster family - Lil' Buddy could not be in better hands at this point. I cannot thank his foster family enough for the care they are giving him.
We prayed that we would somehow know that our child had been born - within a day of his birth I was overwhelmed while Christmas shopping and felt the need to buy our baby a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament. According to our adoption timeline, our child should not have been born until February, at the earliest. Yep, it was a God thing.
We prayed that God would just make our hearts know that this was our child - Our social worker called us on a Sunday night, and we did not see his pictures or full file until Monday night. In the little bit of sleep I had, I kept dreaming that we were sitting in Panera, and our baby had on a white onesie with blue bears on it. (Yes, Steve and my friend can attest to this. I told them both about my dream before we ever saw the pictures).

We have had so many prayers answered over the past 2 years, these are just a few. We thank all of you for your prayers and support, and cannot imagine walking this path without all of you. Just a little further to go!

Things I Don't Want To Forget

2010-07-27T12:40:00.003-04:00

I am a list maker. My old boss used to tease me that I could single handed keep "Post-its" in business. The reason for it? If I don't write it down, I forget it. I have a terrible memory.
So I have lists for many things, and sticky notes on our garage door in the kitchen to remind me of the projects that need to be done.

I started a list of things that I never wanted to forget to tell Lil' Buddy when he is old enough to understand. I thought I would share some of these with you today. (Mom- just a warning- you are going to need tissues!)

1. We prayed from the beginning of our journey that we would somehow just know when our little miracle entered this world. He was born December 6, 2009. This would have been December 5th here. On December 5th, Steve and I were shopping in K*ohl's and I was suddenly almost manic that I HAD to find a "Babies First Christmas - 2009" Ornament. In our reality, and the timing of when we should have gotten a referral, there was no way. Our baby should not have been born until at least February. Low and behold - He was born that night. (just a note, he was 8 weeks early, and his birth mother was due in February.)

2. Our dear friend's little girl calls him "Korea". (She is not quite 3) As in, "I want to go see Korea today". This made me laugh.

3. Another friend, whose daughter was born in Korea, can't wait to read to our little man.

4. A blanket made by dear friends of ours was prayed over while it was made. When each knot on the blanket was tied, a prayer was said for us, for Lil' Bud, and our adoption. (This made me cry a whole lot when I found out, so so so glad that I didn't read this part of the card at the shower, because I would still be sitting there crying)

5. Certain songs remind me of our sweet little one, and I cannot help but cry when I hear them. "Smile" by Uncle Kracker, "This is Home" by Switchfoot, "Something Beautiful" by Need to Breath to name a few. Not a problem when I am home, but when they come on the radio, or we sing them at church (Note: The Uncle Kracker one is NOT from church!!!!) it usually leaves me in puddles.

6. We prayed a LOT for him to have a great foster family - and he does. I could not ask for more than what they provide him!

7. His cousins J and M cleaned out toys to give to him. As in "We can get rid of this, Lil' Buddy will like it". (The oldest is 6, so this is a feat!)

8. We prayed we would be able to answer the questions he will have about why he was placed for adoption, and we have more information than we ever thought we would on this.

9. Another friend's little girl (who is 4) looks at his picture and says "Isn't he precious" just like her Mommy does.

10. Most of all, I never, ever, ever want him to forget that more than we, or his family here, or his family in Korea loves him, God loves him. That God has gone before him in every step of our adoption. That God holds him so tightly in His hands... and always will.

The Funniest Story from Telling the Fam....

2010-07-16T09:00:00.001-04:00

It was no secret that we did not expect our referral call for several months, so our families were all totally SHOCKED to find out. (As were we!)

I was making a gift for my cousin's wedding present, a scrapbook of sorts. So, we called my Mom and Dad to see if they were home so that I could show it to them before wrapping it. I had put one of our referral pictures in the pagees.

They were on the way home from somewhere and invited us for Pizza. So, we met them at their house, and I had the gift with me. My Mom was trying to set the table, and here was our conversation.

Me: "Mom, come look at this so that I can take it back to the car. I don't want anything to happen to it".

Mom: "Beth, just wait until after we eat"

(Me thinking, yeah, I can't keep this in "while we eat")

Me: "Mom, just come look at it"

Mom: "Beth - JUST WAIT"

(At this point, my dad flips through it and TOTALLY SKIPS THE PAGE. Yes, TOTALLY SKIPS THE PAGE.)

Me: "Mom, just come look now - I just want to take it back to the car"

Mom: "Beth, just wait"

(This went on with me insisting, much more than I normally would, that she just come look. You would think she might pick up that something was up - but no.)
Finally, she comes and starts to look.

Mom: "This is nice Beth, good job" (As she flips through the book)

Then she turns to the page, and almost flips past it. She looked at me and said

Mom: "Oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH - JIM COME LOOK. OH MY GOSH IT'S A BOY!!!"

It was fun from then on... and we did finally eat our pizza.

Later that night we came home and called Steve's parents and sisters. Conviently enough his Dad was visiting one sister, and his mom was visiting the other. So that worked out well.
Steve just called and totally played off some other reason to call. Then he said "Oh, Beth is having problems with her e-mail and just sent you something to test it - could you check really quick?" This was hilarious as they opened the e-mail and and saw the pictures of our Sweet Little One. It was just a fantastic evening!

"The Call" (Yes, I found the camera cord)

2010-07-14T13:26:00.001-04:00

I think that God has a sense of humor, I really do. Our "Call" came on a Sunday evening - I had been out grocery shopping, and had then been on the phone for a while with Verizon about a problem with my cell phone. Steve was out mowing the grass - it could not have been a less exciting evening around here. Oh, by the way, our house is completely torn up for our living room/dining room remodel, and looks like our house was ransacked.

The phone rang, and I saw that it said private caller - and for some reason I picked it up. Laura, our social worker, was calling! She asked if Steve was there, because she had something to discuss with us! I almost passed out!

Larua then told us about the sweetest little boy in all of Korea - born December 6, 2009. He had a rough start to life, very rough. We called good friends of ours for some medical advice, and to ask them to pray for Steve and I. Steve and I took some time to pray, and we decided that we wanted to meet with Laura to review his file, but did not see his pictures that night. We made plans to meet with Laura the next night at Panera.

Remarkably, we did get some sleep that night. I had a reoccuring dream several times that we met Laura, and that our babe had a white onesie with blue bears on it. Yeah. That was hours before we saw the pictures. (Steve and my friend G can attest to this!)

While waiting for Laura, we had dinner. I think I had some potato soup. (Yes, I decided to forgo the no carbs for food that would actually stay in my stomach) I ate, Steve ate, I almost passed out several times, Steve stayed calm. Laura walked it and I started crying. She handed us the packet, and we took out the pictures and information. And we cried and cried... here is the picture of the first time we saw our son's sweet face......(Please note - I am not one of those women who can cry gracefully. I am a mess!)

Our first Look! The picture we shared in our referral post was the one on top. I just about lost it. It only took a moment for us to realize that the sweet little one was in fact in a white onsie with a blue bear on it. I will never forget that moment. In that moment, I knew I was looking at my son.

Here were are a few minutes later - reading over our referral paperwork.

I will share the post about telling our families later this week.

(And for the record - the camera cord was in the basket in the kitchen we use to store the electronic device cords. Ahm. )

Moments in Time

2010-07-12T11:00:00.000-04:00

We all have them. Those small, exact moments that you use to define the "before" and "after". Those brief seconds where you know that life will never, ever be the same. For me, that moment was in my ob/gyn's office in November 2006. It was the moment when I was officially labeled as infertile. In a brief second I went from being a wife and hopeful Mother to be, to a statistic. My own failings written down permanently in my doctor's records.

I have been thinking a lot about this moment in my life- when I knew that nothing would ever be the same again. It was the start of a very long, very hard journey. I have been thinking about how that moment in time has come to shape who I am today and I came to a conclusion.

Want to hear it?

That very brief moment in time does not define me. How I have chosen to respond does. Admittedly, I spent time in grief, anger and a very deep depression. But I chose to get out of it. I chose to redefine what I thought my ideals and dreams were, and open my heart to what God wanted me to see through all of it. I am calmer now, more quiet. I spend more time searching what God's plan is than telling Him what my plans should be. That brief moment in 2006 did change me, but that one moment does not define me.

It helped prepare me for where I am today. That day broke my heart, but my heart had to be broken to be open for where I am now. That moment led to other moments - August 13, 2008 when we decided to adopt. May 16, 2010 when we found out about our son. May 17, 2010 when we saw our son's face for the first time.

Why am I writing about this today? I have been thinking about that moment a lot lately. I have thought about who I was then, and who I am now. We are on the brink of a lifetime of new moments, ones that would not be here if that one moment had not occurred. I will be honest, at that time I don't know that I could have said I had joy, and thankfulness, over that moment. Now, looking back and knowing what is to come? I do.

Updates

2010-06-10T20:00:00.006-04:00

Yes, updates on our process, and a few updates on the little man!

First, I do have posts ready to go about us getting the call, and telling our families, but the one of us seeing his face for the first time actually has a picture that is on our camera. As in 'someone' (in her frenzied state of getting out of the house that day) forgot the memory card, so the picture is on our camera's internal memory. As soon as 'someone' finds the camera cord she will post.

Second, we have completed all of our acceptance paperwork, and the first round of immigration paperwork. We also sent Lil' Buddy and his foster family a care package. It has been a crazy week. Speaking of his foster family, I found out this week that very dear friends of ours, who without we would not be adopting from Korea, have a son who had the same foster mother. Seriously, the world just seems to be getting smaller and smaller every day.

Third - the updates you have all be waiting for...

Lil' Buddy is now up to almost 15 lbs, and 24 1/2 inches. He is almost sitting up, getting two teeth on the bottom, and generally a happy little guy. He is rolling over, has a favorite toy (of which, I registered for the same one without knowing it! What a great Mom I am already!) and is being spoiled rotten by his foster family as we speak. Someone commented to me that they bet I was really anxious now - and honestly, I am not. I know my son is safe, getting excellent care, and with a family who loves him to pieces. To me - if he can't be with us yet there isn't a place I would rather him be.

Now, just a few pictures to brighten your day... (I knew I had to put these last so you would all read the update!)

This one is my new favorite picture. It makes me feel like he is looking at me saying "See Mom, I am JUST FINE" (And he is sporting the toy spoken about above!)

Could he be any more gorgeous?

This Post Has Been 4 Years, 6 Months and 3 Weeks In The Making

2010-05-17T12:07:00.011-04:00

Steve and I have waited 4 years, 6 months and 3 weeks to say -

It's a BOY!

Yes, a sweet little boy has stolen our hearts - please welcome

"Lil' Buddy"

Date of Birth: December 6, 2009

Homecoming: Sometime late summer, early fall 2010

"The Call" post and other cute stories of how we told the family to come later....

We are so overjoyed with our Little Blessing!

My Thoughts on Mother's Day

2010-05-12T15:52:00.005-04:00

I will admit, Mother's Day is not a great day for me. I am so grateful for my Mom - I love her so much for her generosity and love and unending acceptance of me. I love to celebrate her on this special day, because she deserves it. And she knows how I feel on this day, because she had been there too. (I was my parent's miracle 32 years ago!)

For me - it is a day every year that reminds me of my failures. Even though we are oh so close to adopting, there is still a part of me that greives the babies that are not here, and more importantly greives the time I do not have with our Korean Child. This day drove me back to bed in tears. For most of the day. I know that this too shall pass, but quite honestly - it sucks right now. (sorry Mom, there just isn't a better word for this :o) )

A dear friend who has "been there" shared this article on her facebook page, and I will shamelessly admit - I stole it from there. It so beautifully shares how so many women feel about this day. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did - http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/08/if-you-dont-have-anything-nice-to-say-on-mothers-day/?hpt=C2

Blessed Be Your Name...

2010-05-04T23:00:00.000-04:00

Blessed be your name - Tree 63

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

This is currently one of my favorite songs. I find myself turning my i-Pod to this song, or humming it at the most random times. It is just a wonderful reminder that God had a plan for us, He has a road mapped out for us, and while we may not see it His perfect plan is there. I have said this before - had I not been there before, I could not be here now.

Anniversary Celebration

2010-05-03T00:24:00.004-04:00

On Saturday evening we finally were able to celebrate our anniversary.

Here is a picture of us, as Steve pointed out we don't look a lot different than we did 7 years ago. Boy, do I feel older. And wiser. :o)

We had a great dinner, and then went to Jeremy Camp's Live Unplugged Concert. This was the third time we have seen him in concert, and again it was a fantasitc night. His wife, Adie, opened and sang some of the songs on her new album. It ended with Jeremy and Adie singing together "There will be a day", and walking off stage hand in hand. If you are not familar with his story or his music, I highly suggest you check it out now. (www.jeremycamp.com)

It was a perfect night for us, and I wouldn't have changed a thing. I mean, come on - look how cute we are!

Seven Years Ago....

2010-04-26T00:05:00.015-04:00

Seven years ago I married my best friend. I remember getting together with my girlfriends in the morning to get ready together, having a wonderful brunch together, taking my friend's dog for a walk with hot rollers in my hair - almost passing out when my friend put my veil on. I remember being so excited to get the ceremony over with, so we would be married.

The day of the wedding was surreal to me. As stressed out as I had been leading up to the day (Gina, remember our trip to Sam's Club?), I was as calm as could be the day of. I think this was because I knew this was what God planned for us. God went before us, and still does. Steve and I chose to see each other before the ceremony, and that was such a special time. It calmed all my nerves, and I was ready. I remember stepping back into place after lighting our unity candle and whispering to Steve "we are really married. Like right now- we are married." His response was so Steve - "Yes honey, that's kind of why we are all here." This man totally gets me. It was such a wonderful day, I would not change a thing about it.

I thank God for Steve, and for the many blessing he has given us. I would not want to go through this crazy thing called life without him (Or God :o) ) He is calm when I am frantic, he makes me laugh when I want to cry, he supports me unconditionally, and is just a wonderful man. He can actually follow my random train of thought comments, and is probably one of the only people who can beat me at "Friends" trivia. He can make me laugh at the worst times, just by a comment or quote from one of our favorite shows.
I Love You Babe!

In honor of our anniversary, here are seven (of the many) of the memories I have from the past 7 years.

2003 - Our Honeymoon - While we have many memories from this trip :o) Here is one that I can share - Our resort knew it was our honeymoon, and one morning before leaving we asked that they book us a dinner reservation at the Magic Kingdom. We were to see the fireworks that night. They booked us at Tony's, just inside the Kingdom - the Italian place that is suppose to be from "Lady and the Tramp". When we arrived the hostess apologized and said it would be just a few minutes. We said no problem. They then led us through the huge restaurant to a small table for two- while they had the opera singer singing "That's Amore" - with the entire crowd of patrons joining in to us, and the table covered with Mickey Ears confetti and streamers. Disney made the whole week so special for us!

2004 - First Anniversary - California Central Coast. I will never forget waking up in the small B&B in Cambria on our first anniversary, and the hostess of the B&B yelling for us to "STOP" when we started to take our pancakes from the platter. She had the cook make us special heart shaped pancakes to celebrate. I also will never forget waking up the next morning in our room overlooking Monterey Bay. I loved that place, and the man I was there with.

2005 - Second Year - we went to Niagra Falls, Canada. I remember how Steve thought I was so cute and innocent at my first time in a casino, and when I won $15. (I bought us dessert that night, by the way). I thought it was amazing to see God's creation - it was so beautiful.

2006 - Third Year - In January 2006 we moved into our first home. I will admit shortly after buying this house I started to hate it. There was so much more work that needed done than we had thought, but we made it through. This was just the first struggle we have made it through together. (And the first public argument in our front yard, the very first night we lived there. Yep, in front of our neighbors and everything! It was totally the stress, and the need to call a 24 hour plumber, and the fact that our cell phones only worked in one small spot of our front yard.)

2007- Fourth Year - This was a year of changes for us, jobs, family stuff - and it just brought us closer together. This was the year Gracie came to live with us, and I think the night we found her is one of my favorites. We had been through a time of sadness, and God brought us to the right place and right time to find Gracie. That night was a turning point for us, one that let us know we would make it and everything would be alright.

2008 - Fifth Year- August 13, 2009. This was a Wednesday Night and we had just taken a walk in our neighborhood and were sitting out on our back patio. This was the night that we decided to adopt Sweetie Pie, and the night we knew we would be parents. Steve - I am so blessed that you are beside me through this journey. I love you!

2009 - Sixth Year - June 11, 2009. We completed our formal adoption application and went to Lowes. I was having a fairly good panic attack, and Steve was as calm as could be. We went to Strickland's, got the biggest blizzards they had and went to Lowe's. I could not tell you what we looked at or bought, just that we were together eating our ice cream. I knew it was a night was special, and our lives were about to change forever.

Today we start yet another year. I cannot wait to see what the Lord will do.....
Happy 7th Anniversary!

Seven Months

2010-04-17T13:20:00.002-04:00

It has been seven months since we "officially began to wait". I use quotes there because we starting "waiting" a long time before that. This is just the official date.

There isn't a lot to update on the adoption front, other than we are Seven Months closer. (sorry, I couldn't resist there).

Steve and I had a mini celebration yesterday and had a nice lunch date, then Blizzards from DQ last night. Yes, we are the wild ones.

We have been getting a lot of questions about the adoption lately, like why Korea, how long, why does it take so long... I am thinking of doing another Q & A post, so if you have a question for us leave a comment here or e-mail me at bahutfilz(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Hoping to have more news soon,
Beth

On Being Still

2010-04-12T23:29:00.009-04:00

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God....

Sometimes God calls us to action, and sometimes God calls us to Be Still. It isn't always easy to know which one is right, because our human nature usually tells us to be the exact opposite at times.

Right now I would like nothing more than to be in action. I would like to be preparing for our baby's homecoming, and preparing our home and hearts for that day. I would like to have days filled with playtime and naptime and mealtime. Days of laughter and tears, days of a family of three. But that isn't the time God has for me right now, and that is hard. Right now is a time for stillness, and knowing that He is God.

I am not one to sit still, I am one of action. I want to tackle a problem, find the solution then execute. Being still isn't something that comes easily to me. I want to rush through and get to the other side, not caring what I need to learn from each and every moment. Right now, my heart is half way around the world being held by a sweet baby that I have yet to meet. It is easy for me to fret and worry about the timing and things to come, and I do. Some days are better than others, and quite honestly the past two weeks have been hard, really hard. As badly as I would like to be in action mode, right now God is telling me to Be Still. Be still and listen to His voice, be still and let His plan unfold. Be still and listen, be still and trust. Be still and revel in the amazing things God does.

Be Still.

04 09 09

2010-04-09T09:00:00.001-04:00

April 9, 2009 started just like any other day. I had off work that day, and had slept in. The previous months at work had been pretty stressful and I had vegged pretty much the whole day. I was too lazy to even make it down the driveway to get the mail.

Steve came home a little early, and had gotten the mail on his way in. He handed me a small envelope that was an invitation to a friend's child's birthday party, and walked away as I opened it. Then he came back in with a huge grin on his face and said "oh yeah, this came too". I looked up and saw the most beautiful piece of mail I had seen - our formal application. We had come so far, and been through so much to get to that envelope. I cried, Steve cried (only a little) and we immediately tore it open. We were so overwhelmed we just sat there and looked at it for the longest time.

Now here it is, April 9, 2010. One year later. In so many ways it seems that it was just yesterday that we received that piece of mail. In others - it seems like a lifetime has passed. I remember thinking that day that it would be forever until we received our referral and Sweetie Pie was home with us. And yet the past 365 days have flown by. I know that this is just a taste of what is to come. In the past year we have met amazing people who helped us along the way to our baby. We have come so much closer to each other than ever, because we are on the same path of God's plan.

It was April of 2007 when we found out that the last fertility treatment had not lead to a pregnancy. When we sat in the specialist office while he shook his head and said he didn't know what else we could do. It is not lost on me that the hope that seemed lost in April 2007 was restored so beautifully in April 2009 and even now.

He is Risen Indeed

2010-04-04T07:30:00.000-04:00

Because man fell from Grace,
A savior must be sent.

Because my Savior hung on a cross,
and a tomb was emtpy again -

This is why I sing and praise!

He is Risen Indeed!

True Passion

2010-04-03T12:34:00.004-04:00

Steve and I started several traditions since we have been married. One of those is to celebrate Good Friday and to watch The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday.

I love celebrating Good Friday - because I know how it ends. I know what a celebration Easter Sunday is and what that represents for all of us who know Christ as our Savior. Whether it is a Tenebrae Service (Service of Shadows) ending with the cataclysmic boom of the tomb being sealed, a Passover Meal with our dear friends, and taking communion with them, or a celebration of Christ dying on the cross and raising up three days later - I love that we pause to remember this night.

I also love watching the Passion movie. It is graphic, and horrid to see - and it stands as a visual reminder of what I caused. What my sin was worth. I cry every single time - I am hurt and ashamed of my sin. I know in my heart that my selfishness and awfulness is what caused that.

I want to look away and forget the images, but I cannot. I need to see them and be reminded that THIS is what Christ did for me. I am reminded, visually, every time that I see this that even if I had been the only one on earth to sin - He still would have done the same. Christ would have for any of us, no matter who we are. Without a doubt - and never looking back. He would never have said "nope, you are so not worth this" because each and every one of is.

I want to keep looking and see the blood pour down and cover the earth. I want to see the grace that flows and washed my every transgression. I have to see that part of it, see it in that way because if I don't what Christ did on the cross doesn't mean a thing. His blood poured out is what saved me. There are not words that can express my gratitude, my words mean nothing. He did this because he loved me. He finished what I could not.

I want to look because I see love, and passion - for me.

Wonderful Things in the Name of Facebook

2010-03-30T12:19:00.009-04:00

A few weeks ago I finally gave into peer pressure and joined Facebook. Mostly because my SIL would post pictures of our nephews and we had to be a member to view them. Also, I just plain got tired of some of our friends telling me "Well, if you were on FB, you would have known that". I was promised by them that people that I had known in the past would get back in touch and it would be just wonderful. I admit - I had my doubts. But I did it.

Then something wonderful did happen. There was a girl I knew in High School, peripherally, but enough to know she was such a sweet, fun, person. Later, my husband and I ended up in the same Adult Bible Fellowship as she and her husband when we were engaged and newly married. We had started to get to know them, and shortly after they relocated several states away. We heard updates on the two of them, but we really didn't keep in touch. I had always regretted not knowing them better before they moved away from here.

Fast forward about six years and suddenly there is a new e-mail in my account. It was a "friend" request from her! Included was the link to her blog, about her family. I was instantly hooked - I was able to read all about her life for the past several years.

I cried huge tears of sadness to learn she had lost two sweet babes to miscarriage. I cried huge tears of joy reading that she then gave birth to two beautiful boys. I cried huge tears of laughter reading the stories that come from having two boys under the age of three. I read about the struggles and triumphs she honestly told about being a Mother. I read how her oldest struggled so hard with something and cheered right along with her as I read how he worked so hard to overcome. I found out just how much she and I have in common, and I never knew. It didn't matter that years had passed and we live about 1300 miles apart, in the matter of a few days and cyberspace we had caught up - and it is good.

Welcome back old friend - it has been wonderful catching up.

For The First Time...

2010-03-27T22:08:00.007-04:00

I did something tonight that I have never done before. It was something so simple, yet it makes me cry now to think about it. It was such a small thing, but I will be honest that there was a time that I thought that I would NEVER be doing this.

Let me take a step back - My Mother-In-Law has a hobby that the entire family enjoys. Knitting. I think we all have beautiful creations that she has given to us over the years. Some of the most beautiful items I have seen from her are baby things given to my sister-in-law for my two nephews. There have been sweaters, hats - you name it. There have been times that I have been so jelous that the newphews had these items- that my sister-in-law needed them. As beautiful as they were, for a long time I thought that I would never have things like that, because we wouldn't need them.

Tonight - for the first time ever- we went to the craft store to pick yarn for a project for our Sweetie. It was such a small thing, yet so special - so wonderful.

You see, for the first time my baby has a project on the way.

My Baby.

My Little Secret

2010-03-16T09:00:00.005-04:00

Six months ago today we received a call that changed our lives. On September 16, 2009 we were notified that we had officially passed our home study and were officially on the Korea Adoptive Waiting List. This was such a huge milestone for us, as we had come so far to get to that point. We laughed and cried and celebrated that day like no other. To us - it was the day our pregnancy test was finally positive.

Today it has been six months, and these are the things I am thinking about today:

If we had conceived a child on September 16, 2009 I would be showing. I would have some outward sign that I was expecting a baby. Everyone who saw me would know that we were expecting a child. When I am shopping in Babies R Us, or Target in the baby section, I would not be asked who I was shopping for - it would be assumed it was for myself. I would be feeling a child move inside me, I would have ultrasound pictures to look at to confirm the sweet child was real and healthy. I would know that in just three short months I would be at the Hospital (with my dear friend the nurse near me) with my husband welcoming our child into the world.

That isn't where I am right now - instead I smile at the clerks and explain that we are in fact, looking for ourselves, and are in the process of adoption. I wake up every day and thank God that He is watching over our sweet baby, and that he or she is in a foster home with a loving mother and father. Instead of my friend coaching me through labor, she reminds me that she and her husband (and SO many others) also pray for us and Baby H.

Sometimes I look at the people around me, who don't know me. I think about how I have such a wonderful little secret, and I just know that the person I just passed in the aisle has no idea that I am about to be a Mom. I think they would be so happy to know that - to know my little secret. I wish I did have some outward sign that I am going through one of the most wonderful, exciting, and challenging times of my life. I wish the whole world would be able to see how excited we are to be parents. That they would know that is the cause of the smile I have walking through the baby aisle at the grocery store, and looking at the different items that I will one day know what all of those items are for.

Most of all, I wish everyone knew how happy I am that I have such a wonderful little Secret.

Where the Wild Things Are

2010-03-15T10:59:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine (who is also an AMAZING mom of 3) commented on facebook about the movie "Where the Wild Things Are", which is based on the book by Maurice Sendak. Her comments, while I appreciate them greatly and see her point that the movie is not for kids, started me thinking again about this story.

This book was one of my favorites as a child, I used it for my semester project for my Children's Lit class in college, and was thrilled beyond belief when the movie was announced. The book is only (I think) 9 sentences, so the writer of the script worked with Sendak to write the screen play and further the charachters.

This story is so deep, it took me studying the story as an adult to finally get it. (Seeing the movie just furthered my thoughts, so I am guessing I was on the right track).

The story is about a little guy who is mad, angry, sad, frustrated, jelouse, who just didn't have the words to express it - as us adults would do. :o) He doesn't seem to have many friends, his sister is growing up and leaving him behind, his mom busy and doesn't have time for them -
The characters are manifestations of his feelings, and his working through them. He sees how anger and jelousy tear people apart, and how rage doesn't solve anything and just further escalates the problem. Again, keep in mind that these are the feelings he is experiencing -

I love the ending though, I love how he knows in his heart that his Mom has done the best she can and runs back into her arms. He knows that no matter what, he can always go home.

I am a Mother, and I Don't Know Where My Child Is

2010-02-24T12:56:00.006-05:00

This past week while at the grocery store I saw a New Mom with a young baby. And the funniest thought struck me. What would this woman do if I walked up to her and said:

"Hi, I have a baby about that age, but I don't know where they are or if it is boy or girl. Have a nice day."

I would be locked up for sure - right? It's the truth though - somewhere on this planet I have a child, I am fairly certian this child is in South Korea, but I don't know how old he or she is, or even if it is a "he" or "she". How do you explain this to someone who has not lived through this?

This is my reality right now. Everyday I pray for this child, and think about this child. I pray they are safe, and being held and cuddled. I pray that someone is wiping the tears I just can't right now. I pray that God makes their little heart strong enough to handle the trauma that will be coming. And I trust each and every day that God is hearing and answering my prayers. That is how I sleep at night and go on about each day. By laying my precious babe in the Hand of God each and every day. Because it is the only way I can make it through this time.

Walk by Faith - Jeremy Camp
Would I believe you when you say,
Your Hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words you say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Oh well because this broken road
Prepares your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for endless years
With one breath you make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Oh well your broken road
Prepares your will for me

Well I'm broken, but I still see your face
Well you've spoken, pouring your words of Grace

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Oh well your broken road
Prepares your will for me

Faith yeah, yeah, yeah

Cause I will walk, I will walk, oh yes I will walk by faith
Well Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu

Fantastic Friends and Funny Gracie

2010-02-11T23:10:00.005-05:00

It is no secret that Steve and I are fans of the show "Friends". I cried the night the last episode aired, and have purchased all 10 seasons and Steve and I are not ashamed to say that we watch them quite often, and quote them to each other at appropriate times. I remember watching the show as a teenager and thinking that I hoped I would have friends like that as an adult. I had no idea....

The past few weeks have held a lot of answered prayers for Steve and I, some not the way we would have hoped - and a lot of changes for us. We are overwhelmed - once again- at the fantastic friends we have. We are so thankful for each and everyone of you. We are so very blessed to even know you (you guys know who you are!!!!)

Now for a few funny Gracie Pictures. As I am sure many of you northerners are, we have been "blessed" with an abundance of snow the past two weeks. And, if you have been reading our blog for any amount of time you know that Gracie is a larger (65 lbs.), longer haired dog, who is scared of just about everything. And the snow is no exception. At first, she is very tentative about going out, doing her business, etc. After a few days though, she loves it. Now, if anything changes while she is out there, well that is a different story. On this day, it had been a little warmer in the morning. (NOTE: the little warmer was about 33 degrees) The top layer of the snow had melted a bit, then refroze as the temps dropped again. She had gone out, and the top layer of snow was a bit crusty. I had let her out, and a few minutes later heard her crying. I looked out to see this - about 10 feet from the door her feet went through the "crust", and she fell through. I think she wanted me to come get her out. So instead? I took a picture.

This picture is pretty typical several times a day around this time of year. Gracie goes out, runs through the deepest snow she can find, and then comes back in. In case you can't tell, yes- that is snow/ice covering her paws in the bottom of the picture. We have to comb her out each time she comes in. You can only guess how much she loves that.

Gracie's Birthday

2010-01-16T21:13:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday Sweet Gracie,
Happy Birthday to you!

(Yes, Gracie is our dog. Yes, we celebrate her birthday.)

Today was Gracie's 3rd birthday, and my how she has grown. She is such a sweet dog, and such a perfect fit for our family. In honor of her, here is what we love so much!
1. We love how she sits on the couch as we leave, and is still there when we come home. Her little sweet heat pops up as soon as she hears the garage door open.
2. When we get in the door after work she dances around and isn't sure if she wants to eat, go out, or get lovies from us first.
3. She still LOVES my socks. And still chews them to obliteration as quickly as she can. She has even graduated to wedging the hall closest open to get them out of the dirty laundry.
4. If one of us is gone for the night, or goes to bed earlier than the other, we let her get on the bed. Now, when she is ready for bed, even if we are not, she goes to our door and cries until we let her in.
5. She is still the most stubborn pup we know. She doesn't give up. When it is treat time, by golly we better be stepping quickly to get it for her.
6. She "met" a toad out back this past summer, and in a random act of bravery on her part tried to lick it. It squirted her in the mouth, and Steve and I stood at the door and simultainiosly tried to call her to us, and fell on the floor laughing. She hasn't tried to get another toad. (She was fine, we sprayed her mouth out well with water, and gave her puppy mints)
7. She is so excited to be the "big sister" (Ok, she has no idea what is going to happen, but we know she will be great!)

Here are a few pictures from her "party" (and by party I mean Steve and I giving her a special cookie. She aslo got a box of her favorite treats from us. Her hat says "Birthday Princess" - got it at Target!)

Amazing Grace

2010-01-04T21:56:00.002-05:00

I have always loved sign language, although never really learned more than finger spelling. I love seeing the visual representation of words and sounds. Our church provides translation for the worship times and sermons, and I am often lost as to what is being said because I am enthralled watching this.

This past Sunday as we sang during the worship time one of the songs talked about the Grace of God. I was struck to see what the sign was for "grace" and have not been able to stop thinking about how perfect it is. The sign the interpreter used had a motion that mimicked rain pouring down and washing over you.

I have spent much time thinking about how grace is often described as flowing, liquid, washing away... and this sign was the perfect representation of this.

You see, Grace is what saves us. God's perfect, unending Grace is all that is between me and an eternity in darkness, in hell. I have done nothing to deserve being a Child of God, I was wretched, and made horrible mistakes, and yet His grace saved me. It washes away all my sins, and forgives me for all of my transgressions. I am in no way perfect (just ask my Husband :o) ), and continue to fail as I am human, yet that doesn't matter to God. His Grace is enough to cover it all, it washes over me - and it is all I will ever need.

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Chris Tomlin

Amazing Grace - How sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found -
Was blind but now I see!

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My Chains Are Gone
I've been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending Love, Amazing Grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

The Decade in Review

2009-12-31T23:59:00.001-05:00

As I look back, it seems like just yesterday I was at a New Year's Eve party with friends - huddled around a computer to see if it worked after midnight on January 1st. Since then I have met my husband, got married, found we couldn't have a biological child, bought a house, got a puppy, and decided (with my husband of course) to adopt. I remember feeling oh so grown up back then, a mere 22 years old. If only I had known then what I know now. All that has happened in the past 10 years hasn't always been easy - but it has made me (And Steve) into the people, and parents to be, that we are.

I think one of the most important things I have learned is to not wish today away. I have spent so much time thinking about "A Year from now I'll..." that I have missed so much. In 2010 I want to spend more time in the moment, and being present now.

To close - We would like to wish all of your and your families a wonderful, happy, safe New Year's!

Love,
Steve and Beth

Very Merry Christmas

2009-12-29T22:24:00.002-05:00

Hello Again,

We hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas! We sure did!

Our celebration started with our Bible Study Christmas Party. It was at our house this year, and we had a blast! God has truly blessed us with friends! We then attended a Christmas Party at Steve's Aunt and Uncle's home to spend time with their family.
We then had a whirlwind 23rd, 24th and 25th! We started on the 23rd with our traditional family dinner with my parents, and our cousins. I cannot remember a Christmas with all of us getting together! I LOVE this tradition! There is always lots of food and laughter and love.
Christmas Eve started with dinner at my Mom and Dad's house, the presents! Grammy and Grampy B are very excited about Baby H, and selected a wonderful selection of books for Baby's library. They also found a beautiful starfish ornament for Baby too! Mommy and Daddy received a "Parents to Be 2009" ornament. We loved it.
Then was Church with my parents, a family Christmas party then - Another of my FAVORITE Christmas traditions - the 11:oo service at our Church. (More on that in a moment!)
Lastly, Christmas day at our house - with our traditional brunch at 11:00 - Steve and I going to the movies (Sherlock Holmes - HIGHLY recommend this!) and then we found that a favorite restaurant was open and had Sushi for our "Christmas Dinner". I would not have changed a thing. :o)

I will admit that I was little down this year. We are so hoping that this is the last Christmas with just the two of us, and I find myself often thinking of a mother giving birth soon to our sweet little babe. I worry about if she (and baby) are safe - you know. Amazingly enough (Sarcasm there, I really shouldn't be surprised by this time) God once again calmed my fears.

The passage on Christmas eve at our church was Matthew 1:23

"The Virgin will be with child, and will give birth to a son. They will call his name Immanuel - Which means "God with Us."

Our Pastor has such an ability to clearly explain what he is thinking - on this occasion he spoke about the importance of the last part of that verse - that God wanted this translated to make sure that everyone was clear. He is always ALWAYS with us. With me, with you - and with our Sweet Babe. He has our Sweet little child firmly in His hands. It was like I got my own little personal gift from God - Peace that our child is just fine, and right where he or she should be.
I think it was the best present that I received.

Listen Well

2009-12-21T23:14:00.008-05:00

I love Christmas. I love how the greatest story ever told begins in one instant, when a child takes his first breath. I love the music. I love our tree - the memories the ornaments bring back so quickly. In our house I have to wait until the day after Thanksgiving to put up a decoration or pull out a CD (Ok, I have some stashed on my i Pod, but don't tell). There are two songs that just start the Christmas Season for me, and are the first that I always listen to.

One of those is "Mary Did You Know" - and has been performed by numerous people. Tonight I want to talk about this one.

I often find myself thinking of Mary this time of year, and wonder what it would have been like to have been her friend at the time she found she was with child. I would want to talk to her about how she felt, knowing that the Son of God was dwelling in her. When I first heard the song mentioned above, it asked so many of the questions that I have for her. Did she think about those things while feeling Jesus move in her belly? Or was the thought of becoming a mother at the age of 13 (give or take) so overwhelming that her mind really didn't go there. Did she just think more of the practical things like "How will I care for a child? Where will groceries come from? What about sleep?" things like that. Mary is one person that I can't wait to have a long talk with in Heaven, because I have so many questions for her.

When I think of Mary, I always think of the mothering side of her. I forget that she also was a young girl. At 13 or 14, I know that I could not have handled giving birth and raising a child. At 32 sometimes I still have that doubt. But she trusted, and she did -and oh I am ever so thankful that she was faithful to what she had been called to do. I know it could not have been easy, to follow God and trust. I admire her faith in that often, as I don't know what I would have done in the same situation.

But that part of the story is so telling - it is something that I want to point out here to make sure that it is not missed. When you are quiet, when you listen to the soft voice of the Lord calling - amazing things happen.

So with that I challenge you this season, in the midst of the Christmas Cheer, and gifts and family time - take a moment to be silent and just Listen.....

One Very Long - Very Overdue Update

2009-12-20T15:06:00.013-05:00

Yes, it has been a very long time since our last update. Quite honestly, sometimes writing that there isn't much news on the adoption front just reminds me of that fact - there isn't much to say. I will admit, waiting is hard. We are making it through, but it is hard.

Here are some highlights of what we have been up to.

In October we had a home improvement project - New insulation in our attic. We did it ourselves, with me cutting the pieces and Steve putting them in place.

Here are some pictures:

Us Getting Ready-

Steve with all 37 rolls of insulation. Yes. 37

Before:

Steve working hard:

After - Nice and cozy this winter!

Minor Incident:

Yes, we had a minor incident during the insulation installation. No one was hurt, which is a great thing. The funniest part was that Gracie was snoozing in the hallway in her usual spot - streched out and snoring. Suddenly there was dry wall rubble falling on her little head. (just small pieces, she wasn't hurt at all - just a little dusty and scared.) For two weeks she sat in the kitchen and stared up at the ceiling. I had to sit on the floor by her and pet her until she would lay back down there. Steve didn't think the incident was as funny as I did.

The 11th anniversary of my 21st birthday was also in October. We celebrated with great friends and great food at P.F. Changs. I received such great presents, of those was a small album with places for pictures of our home, us, Grandmas and Grandpas and Gracie to send to Sweetie Pie when we get our referral. I still get tears in my eyes when I look at it. It makes us feel so good that our friends and family are so excited for our little one! Another cute story from that night was that our friends brought their 2 year old son, they kept telling him to tell me Happy Birthday and he would look so confused and say "No Birthday" (Did I mention that I LOVED this kid?!?) Then when we had dessert and they brought mine with a candle he put his hand on my arm and said "It's your birthday! Happy Birthday". It was very sweet.

Here is a picture of us from that night-

The last big thing was that we received our USCIS appointments for November 24, 2009 at 2:00. We took the afternoon off and made a date of it. Here is a picture of us in front of the Federal Building. (Cameras are not permitted in the Federal Building) We then did a little Christmas shopping and had dinner together.

The best news is that on December 3, 2009 we received our approval letter. Yes, that would be 9 days later (4 of those were holiday, day after holiday, and two weekend days - we were pretty impressed!)

Well, that's what we have been up to!

Thank you to all of you who have kept up with us, and e-mailed and called. We so appreciate the support from all of you!

Love,
Steve and Beth

A Little News

2009-09-22T21:50:00.003-04:00

Hello All,
We had a little news last week... Officially we are a "waiting family". This means that we are officially registered as a waiting family with South Korea. We were told to expect about 9 months from now to get our referral. WOW.

Any ideas on how to make the time pass a little quicker? If you do, leave a comment on my blog! Maybe we can have a little contest and I will do the one the most people vote for!

So - if you have an idea for something we can do while we wait leave a comment!

Thank you all who have prayed for us and encouraged us thus far, we could not do this without your love and support!

Love,
Steve and Beth

More Updates

2009-08-29T18:28:00.002-04:00

Hello Dear Friends,
We have had a busy few weeks! We had our 3rd and then final home study visits, and.... (drumroll please!)

WE PASSED OUR HOMESTUDY!
Yes, the second hurdle is over.

Our next steps are the famed I-600A form, then everything gets sent to South Korea. From there we have an estimated 9-12 months for our referral, then 2-3 month for Baby to come home. Overall, we are about half way through the two years we were told it would take when we started this process.

Well, that is the news we have. Thank you for all of your prayers, support, and kinds words. We truly appreciate all of you!

Updates

2009-08-16T21:33:00.006-04:00

Hello Dear Friends,

We have had our second and third Home Study visits - our one-on-one interviews. They have gone well, and we are far on our way through this process. We have what will, hopefully, be our last visit this coming Thursday. This is our home inspection, and safety audit.

In other news, I was informed today that our blog seems "dark" and "not happy". Well, in honor of the comments I decided that we needed a blog makeover.As time permits I will be making changes, so, please leave comments to let me know what you would like to see!

Thanks for following us!
Beth

Short Update....

2009-07-18T14:33:00.003-04:00

Hello Dear Ones,
Just a short update today, we had our first home study visit this week, on Wednesday.
It was fantastic to finally meet our Social Worker and get this process started. We talked for a while, and discussed how the Home Study works, and what we will need to do. She also gave us some videos to watch, and some articles to read. Overall the first meeting was very productive and our next one was scheduled for two week from Wednesday.

Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement. We are so excited to be on this journey, and can't wait to finish!
Love,
Beth

What would you do...

2009-07-07T20:10:00.004-04:00

In our ABF (Sunday School Class) this past week we talked about Suffering. We discussed this in a little bit of a different way. We talked about choosing to suffer for Christ and those things that happen that we don't choose. We discussed first those things that we choose, and if I knew they weren't worth it in the end, would I still choose to go through those things. (NOTE: this was in the abstract, not a specific.) We then moved on to those things that happen that we don't choose, things like cancer, depression, death - my mind went to infertility. I don't think any couple in their right mind would choose to be infertile, so I think that goes in the we don't choose category.

Bear with me, I am getting to my point. I promise. The New Testament tells us about Paul and his suffering. (This seems to have been some kind of physical affliction, but not positive what). Three times it is written that Paul cried out for God to take this away. Having been in a situation where I begged God to "fix it", I am betting that there were a ton of other times - just these three were reported. And God chose not to heal him.

I have been thinking a lot about our infertility, and remembering this part of our marriage. I can honestly say that I would I never have asked for that or chose to go through that. Really, I wouldn't. But now that I am on the other side and have seen where I am now - I would do it all over again. During that time of my life I cried out to God more than I ever thought I could. I cried until I couldn't cry more. I went through the Refiner's Fire and came out stronger than I ever thought I could. I can see now the why. God knew that we were to adopt. And God knew that I was so weak in my faith, and so impatient, so wanting to be in control and really just had to grow up a little more. I learned through that time that God is in control, even when I can't see it. I learned that He is there all the time. I don't think I would have the emotional strength to do this now, if I hadn't been there. God knew it all along. Now that we are in the process of adoption I have to just let go of a lot and just trust that God has it handled. I can't control how quickly we get through this process, I can't control what our little precious baby's Birth Mother is doing right now, I don't know that tomorrow North Korea won't blow South Korea off the map. And I am so very OK with all this. Because I don't know, but God does. I can honestly say that had I not been so totally broken during our diagnosis and treatments for infertility I would so very not be OK with this. I would be going crazy right now.

I say this now not to make light of other's suffering, or to seem like I have all the answers - because I for sure don't. I am just saying that I have seen the other side of my own situation. Two years ago if you would have asked me why we were going through the "Year of Hell" (as we so affectionately call it :o) ) I would have said that God was punishing me. I couldn't see the why, I could only see that my heart broke each and every month when the tests were still negative. I only knew the hurt and loss, the broken heart, they emotional and physical pain - I didn't know the pure good that would come from it.

Jon and Kate...

2009-06-23T21:12:00.005-04:00

Some of you who know me know my dirty little secret.

I love reality TV shows.

Like, really love them. When I was recovering from surgery last fall I started watching Jon and Kate plus 8. There were several "marathon" days and I got to catch up on almost 4 years of their lives. I loved the show, I loved how the opening said "it may be a crazy life, but it's our life". I loved how Kate would have Bible verses posted throughout the house, and how they had 8 little miracles, everyday in their lives.

My heart broke for them watching the show last night, where they admit they are separating, and the text said they had filed for divorce.
Here is what I would say to them. If any of you can get this message to them - feel free to.

Dear Jon and Kate,
You have such a wonderful, blessed life. And it has nothing to do with the money, the house, the fame - none of it. The two of you made 8 beautiful children, who are all healthy and safe. Not every family can say that. You have both professed your faith in God, when did He stop being the first priority in your lives? I am willing to bet it was about the time things started going south in your marriage. Put Him first, always. Then comes each other, not the kids, the fame, the book tours, the skiing - the two of you come next, and you need to set the priorities together for what comes next.
I was so excited last year when you took your family to Hawaii to renew your vows. What happened to "we wanted to show our kids we are in this for ever. No matter what". What changed since then?
From here, it isn't easy and it isn't fun. But it is worth it. The news reported that you have filed divorce proceedings. I would ask that you put that off for six months, and in that time refocus your priorities and focus on each other. Take the "Love Dare", watch "Fireproof" and talk to each other. Get in with a Christ-centred counselor, and get your priorities straight.

Sincerely,
Beth

Next Steps.....

2009-06-18T21:10:00.007-04:00

We recieved word today that our application was accepted, and FAC is ready to start our homestudy. Wow that was fast.

Here is a picture of the letter.....we are a little excited.

It is official.....

2009-06-12T20:38:00.006-04:00

We are "Pregnant On Paper".

Simple sounding right? It freaked me out.

Two months and two days and the paper chase is over - for now. Last night, finally, I realized there was no more paper to fill out, nothing to collect, and nothing else to sign. I had to just let go... So, I trusted my dear Steve to make the copy, include the pictures I forgot to have printed, and mail the sucker off (those that know my penchant for control ahem know that this was a HUGE thing for me, and I did it. I didn't even call throughout the day to check on it).

So we finished it last night, approved that it was ready to go, packed it up for Steve to take to work. Then I had a panic attack.

I'm going to be someone's Mother.

We have been asked about the application, and what it is like. I think when people hear the term "Formal Application" they think it is like an application for a job, or a loan, or college. Well, that's a start..... so just to show a little more what it is like, here is most of it. I couldn't fit any more on the counter into the shot, but you get the idea....

This was before we started... it seems so long ago.

Here is the finished product....

I going to be someone's Mother. And I can't wait...

FUNdraiser Time

2009-04-22T21:39:00.004-04:00

Hello Again,
As we have said before, we have been overwhelmed by the love and support for our adoption.
Here is just another example of that.

Some of Steve's Mom's Former Co-workers have volunteered to host a yard sale for us to help raise money for our adoption expenses. This has led to Steve's Uncle volunteering to roast hot dogs to sell, and other friends have volunteered to make cookies. All of our little one that we have never met. We are a little overwhelmed by this.

We knew about this a while ago, AND IT IS FINALLY HERE!!!!!!

Here are the details!
Saturday May 2, 2009
9 am - 4 pm
2765 RISING MEADOW DR
Akron, Ohio 44333

If you would like to donate items for us to sell, please leave me a comment here.
Even if there isn't a thing you need, please come and be a part of this exciting time for us!

Love,
Beth and Steve

What a lesson....

2009-04-20T19:41:00.005-04:00

If you check out the button to the right, you will see a link to "Stellan's Story".

I would like to take a moment to share what this Mom of 4 has taught me in the past week. Her whole story is in the blog, but the short version is that her infant son was diagnosed with a serious heart condition in utero, and was not given a chance to live. He did survive, and was doing well until about a month ago.

So back to what I have learned - that faith in God's plan doesn't depend on what the circumstances are. Life can just plain suck, but if that Life is smack in the middle of where God wants you then you are in the best place you could be. Here is this Mom who didn't ask for any of this, but has had to live it. And she is praising God through all of it. I can only imagine that her heart is so broken right now for her young son, but she has given it over to God.

She asked that people just know her little guy, and asked that people take a picture of his name and send it to her. There is a link in her blog for Stellan's Name Gallery, and I am amazed and touched each and every time I check that out. There are pictures there from the Sudan, Italy- all over the world. People have come together to pray for this little guy. It didn't matter where they were from, what they believed- we have all Prayed.

So McKMamma, we are with you. We are praying for you and Stellan, and his doctors and your family.
And Lord, thank you for this sweet little life we have all been touched to even have heard about. I can't wait to see what you have in store for him.

If you do follow, let's all pray for this family tonight and tomorrow.
Until later,
Beth

When God Closes A Door....

2009-04-09T20:44:00.010-04:00

Hello again,

We would like to thank all of you for praying for us the past few weeks. We have felt this, and appreciate it. And we know in the land of adoption things change in a heartbeat. And we have learned in the past six weeks we have learned that God has a plan and doesn't always share the reasoning behind them with us, and that's ok.

So with that being said,

When God closes a door...... sometimes He opens it right back up!

That's right folks, we got our Formal Application today.

Here is a picture in all it's glory...

It's huge. It's scary. And we can't wait.

Love,

Steve and Beth

The Power of Prayer

2009-04-05T21:39:00.006-04:00

Hello from North East Ohio!
First, let me say that we have had a few days of absolutely gorgeous weather. I mean realllly wonderful weather. That has done wonders for our mood around here.

This week started with a heavy heart for both Steve and I. A friend of mine who conceived a child around the time that we started the road to adoption delivered her baby. It hit me that in the time it took for her to grow a baby to full term, we were no closer to our baby. We were getting discouraged. So we reached out to our friends and family and asked them to pray for us, for our process and for clarity of what our next step is.

Today we received word that our agency has reviewed our file, and the reports regarding the questions that had come up, and they feel we can proceed with a full home study. While this isn't a huge step, it is a step closer to our little baby. We couldn't be happier.

So, thank you to all of you who have prayed for us and encouraged us this past week. We appreciate it more than you could know.

Finally, Praise God for hearing our prayers and answering them.

Love,
Steve and Beth

No News - and That's OK

2009-03-30T21:46:00.005-04:00

Hello again,

Happy Monday! For all of you who had asked, we still have no news on our adoption. And that's really ok. I have no doubt that God is teaching me something through all of this, and I am starting to think that this lesson is that even if the big picture I am following is smack in the middle of God's Will for our lives, I still have to trust God for the details. I realized that I was holding on so tightly to what was happening, and when, and where and - well you get where this is going. So I gave it all over to the only One who can take care of it. And it has been much easier to handle.

On another note, guess what?!?!?! I WON A PRIZE!

Rach over at "in his hands" (Link to the right in the "blogs I read") had a contest to guess what a picture was, and I WON! I never win anything, so this was pretty cool.
Anyway, that made my day today. I know, it doesn't take much sometimes.

Please keep praying for our adoption, the process, and our little one. Right now we don't know where he or she is, or when they might enter the world, but please keep praying for them. Pray also for our little one's birthmother, that she would have someone in her life to show her love.

Thank you for following in our journey with us, we know it is a long process and we appreciate it.

Love,
Steve and Beth

We got a Duck

2009-03-10T20:50:00.006-04:00

Yep, we got a Duck. It is little, yellow and soft. Yep, it is stuffed. We were doing some shopping a few weeks ago and I had the overwhelming urge to do something for Sweetie Pie, and the Carter's Outlet had a sale. So Baby got a little yellow stuffed ducky made out of the softest material.

Our child may have the largest selection of gender neutral items ever, as when I am frustrated or sad about the process and missing our little one even more - I buy it something. It it just something that makes me feel physically connected to our baby.

Please keep praying for us and the adoption. It is easy to start doubting if we are doing the right thing when struggles occur. If anything, I want to say that we would go through anything for our child. Never once have I thoguht that "this isn't worth it". There isn't a struggle, sacrifice, or hardship that we would not endure for our little precious baby.

I know- it's been a while

2009-02-22T20:13:00.009-05:00

Hello again,

Yes, I know it has been over a month since my last entry. There hasn't been a whole lot happening on the adoption front, and quite honestly this has been weighing on my heart. We knew going into this that there would be a lot of "hurry up and wait" time, but knowing that and living through it are two very different things. I am fully aware that each delay, or unexpected progress, is part of what brings the perfect child into our family. I just wish that I could snap my fingers and it would be three years from now and me looking back and saying "See Beth, I told you so!".

Also, I would love to know who reads our blog. Please either leave me a comment or e-mail me at bahutfilz@yahoo.com with the subject "blog follower". And, for those fellow bloggers out there, please feel free to link to us on your blog!

Now I want to take a moment and again tell you all just how wonderful my husband is.

My Stevie is WONDERFUL. He is my favorite. :o)

(That is a Jism, our oldest nephew, from when he was younger. It was very cute when he would tell us something was "his favorite" and it just stuck with us.)

Steve's Dad has been rather sick, and this has been a little stressful for us. Despite all that Steve has had going on, he planned and executed the most fabulous Valentine's Day ever. He planned and shopped and cooked a Korean Dinner for the two of us. From scratch. We had Baby Bok Choy Kim chi, a black bean dish, grilled steak with Asian pears and onions and poached pears. He even found a beautiful embroidered table cloth to use and FLOWERS. It was a much needed reminder of our little one.

So, I am going to go back to what we started last fall. Below are the things we are thankful for, and items we would like prayer for.

Fun Fact about Korea: The food is absolutely fabulous. I am even getting a little bit of a taste for Kim chi. I highly recommend you trying a few things, as the flavors and style are nothing like other types of Asian foods we have tried. There is a lot of ginger, green onion, and garlic. I have not yet tried something that I didn't like.

Praise for:

We have passed the 6 month mark from deciding to adopt a baby. It has already gone so fast!

We did find out that we should be one of the first families to get the formal application in 2009.

We are so blessed to have family and friends who are supporting us.

Pray for:

As always, pray for our Little One. We do. Every day. Many times a day.

Pray for our Little One's Birth mother, as she is preparing to make difficult decisions. Specifically that she has peace with what she decides.

Pray that she is safe, and that she has someone in her life to show her God's love.

Pray that we would soon get our formal application. I am very ready to get this show on the road.

Love to you all....

Beth and Steve

Gracie

2009-01-16T22:13:00.007-05:00

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear Gracie,

Happy Birthday to you!

Yes, it is our dog's birthday. Yes, we are aware she is a dog. She is our baby!

For those of you who are not familiar with how she came to be ours, here is the short version. I was a little depressed because our fertility treatments were not working. Steve decided to take me out to dinner to cheer me up, and we ended up at a local pet store. We had been looking for a labradoodle puppy, and they had this little white furball in their store. So, long story short she came home that night. (Yes, I know, A PET STORE. Please do not write and comment on this)

We say she picked us, and she could not be a more perfect pup for us. She was named Gracie for three reasons:

1. I always loved the name Gracie, but Mom ruined using it for a little girl when she started calling me "Gracie" when I would do something not-so-graceful.
2. When we first saw Gracie she had just had a little growth spurt, and her paws were just a little large for her body, and she wasn't too graceful. I was pretty cute.
3. She saved us. No better way to say it.

So, as a tribute to her, here are our favorite things about Gracie Lou that make her so uniquely her…..

1. She LOVES my socks. I mean, LOVES them. She tries to be extra sneaky getting them, and tries so hard to hide when she does, but by far her favorite thing in this world (other than her kibble) would be my socks. Dirty, clean, dress, sweat, doesn't matter. ( And by loves - I mean chews to obliteration. )

2. She lifts her hind legs in the same way a male dog would when relieving himself - only she wants you to scratch under her belly right at that spot. We haven't caught a picture of it yet, but when we do I will post it. It is hilarious. She just walks up to you, and lifts her leg. It is super funny when she does it to company and they have no idea what she is doing.

3. When Steve scolds her, she lays her chin on him and gives him the "sad puppy eyes" until he gives in and makes up.

4. When she is acting obstinate she puts herself into 'time out'. Yes, when she is getting too excited or out of control she gets a time out, and yes it works. When she would rather just keep doing what she is doing, she does - then goes and sits on the bathroom rug. (her time out spot)

5. She comes to the back door to come in after she has been digging, and her face is covered with dirt. She then tries to just come on in, like we won't be able to tell there is a problem.

6. She is a very timid dog, and has been since the day we met her. When she does something brave, she is just so proud of herself, and makes sure you saw. We recently bought her a rug to leave in her kennel all day with her, and she was so scared she sat on my lap until we made her sit on it. Once she got comfortable with it she barked and barked until we came to see her on it.

7. She has two routines each night, and the day cannot be complete without them. First, at 8:30 she MUST have her greenie (treat). And you better bet she lets you know when it is 8:30. She sits on her bed, barks, and then runs to you and back to her bed until she has it. After that, she has to get up and have "bone chew" time while cuddling with one of us. Her little nights are just not the same without these routines.

Yes, she is a little neurotic, but aren't we all? I wouldn't trade her for any other pup!

Here are some pictures from her life.... I hope you enjoy.

Love,

Beth and Steve

Her first night, how could ANYONE resist that little face!

Is there a problem? (this is the face that greets us at the door when we know we have a new crator somewhere in her yard)

She likes the camera and poses for us!

Princess Gracie

She LOVES the wind!

The 1st Birthday

(Take note, we could not have put the bone on the floor with her, as it would have been devoured.)

2nd Birthday Present

What a difference a year makes! She waited so patiently while we took pictures!

And then it was time for cake! (Really, it was a dog treat baked in the shape of a cupcake and topped with yogurt frosting)

Quick Update

2009-01-12T20:48:00.007-05:00

Hello Everyone,

Now that the new year is upon us, I promise to be better at updating! First, we had a fabulous Christmas! Some of the best pictures are below....

We had a wonderful time with Family And the baby got wonderful presents!

Also, PRAISE THE LORD! Please note that we have reached the 30% mark for our adoption fund!

J posing under the tree (This is our oldest nephew)

M having a wonderful breakfast (Yes, this is our youngest nephew, and no- that wasn't all he had for breakfast!)

Baby's First Presents!

From Grammy and Poppy B

So far, the baby has received books from Grammy and Poppy, a book from J and M, and a special ornament that Grammy and Poppy B purchased from the Asian Market! It is an ornament with South Korean children, made in South Korea! Mommy and Daddy bought the baby a toy and decorations for it's room!

That's all for now!

Love,

Steve and Beth

Christmas and More

2008-12-25T21:42:00.007-05:00

Hello Again,
Yes, I am well aware that it has been a while since our last post. Thank you for all of the concerned e-mails and reminders to post. There were several reasons for the long silence, first - I was very busy getting the Christmas card orders finished on time, and getting ready for Christmas. The other reason was that writing here just reminded me that I did not have an update for our baby, and that made me a little sad. I prayed about this, and asked friends and family to pray as well, and boy did God answer.

First, someone I have known for most of my life gave us a donation for our baby fund. The circumstances surrounding this are private, but the person who gave it to us said "Let me bless you with this today". He has no idea how much I needed the reminder that day that God was in control of this adoption, and that He was aware of all my concerns. He has no idea how God used him to answer prayer, and truly "Bless me" that day. Thank You.

Second, my wonderful Sister-in-Law "M" gave me the most wonderful Christmas present. She really didn't know how I was feeling until they were here for the holidays, but she gave me a silver ring that is inscribed with "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step". When I opened it she said that when she saw it she thought I might need a physical reminder of that - and I did.

Third, the support of our family and friends with our adoption. Grammy B made beautiful Christmas gift tags to sell - and were they a hit- and Grandma H made baby bibs to sell, also very popular. We will also be having a fund raiser garage sale, organized by Grandma H and some of her friends, and Uncle Paul said he wants to roast hot dogs to sell at the events as well. It overwhelms me how much our little pumpkin is loved and they aren't even here yet.

Lastly, in our Christmas Eve service last night Pastor Sartarelli spoke about a reoccurring theme of "Do Not Be Afraid" in the Christmas story, and how over and over God said do not fear. I was doing a lot of that, and I needed to give that over to God. He knows where our baby is, and how he or she is being cared for. He knows every little detail of that child, and He knows it is the perfect little baby for us. His gift of His Son provided that for all of us.

I will post more about our Christmas later.... until then....
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

- Beth

Wow- A Lot Has Happened!

2008-11-15T21:40:00.003-05:00

Hello Everyone,
As you may have noticed, it has been a few weeks since our last post. No, we are not pregnant (trust me, Beth had an almost $950 blood test to confirm :o) ) And not a lot has happened on the adoption front.

As you may know, Beth had been feeling sick for about 6 weeks. She was just generally tired, nauseated, and emotional. Yes, we are fully aware that these are symptoms for early pregnancy. This was not the case. She finally went to see her doctor who asked about having gall bladder attacks. Beth had a pretty bad one about 4 years ago, but no stones and few symptoms since then. He decided to send her for an ultrasound to again check for gall stones, of which there were none. He then ordered a HIDA scan, which is a pretty cool test. You have to go to the nuclear medicine department at the hospital and they inject radioactive dye into your system. You then sit for about an hour to let it circulate through your system. Then they take you back to a large scanning machine and give you an enzyme to make your gall bladder work overtime. This test accomplished two things 1.) Beth's GB was not working. At all. There was only 7% output, and the lowest end of normal was 35%. 2.) This test started her GB spasiming, as in a severe GB attack. So, her doctor referred her to a surgeon on 11/4 and it was removed on 11/6. The spasims did not stop until sometime in the night/early morning of 11/6 (On 11/5 she had the pretesting, which because of all the other testing recently done was pretty much just a pregnancy blood test, but when we got the bill from the hospital it was about $950 of "lab work"). After a small setback, she is feeling much, much better. Still tired, but thrilled to finally be able to keep more than toast in her tummy!

We would like to thank everyone who prayed for us, as we needed it and felt it. Also for the cards and calls, they were also much appreicated!

The Classes Are Done!

2008-10-22T20:04:00.004-04:00

Hello Again,
Yes, we have completed our required classes! Whoo -Hoo! It was a long two days, but well worth it. We have lots of ideas to help us, and are very aware of some of the issues we will face. We also feel so much more like we are suppose to be doing this. We met a really great couple who have two biological children and a daughter from China and a new son from Korea. We went to lunch with them and talked for a long while. It was nice to talk to someone who has just come through this. We also met another couple who are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. We loved the fact that all the families had something in common, we were in love with a child we had never (or just) met.

Beth had a great birthday, and a great birthday party. Thanks friends!

Not a lot else to update right now!

FUN FACT:
This isn't a fact, but it is a book I want to get for our baby.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0963847236/adoptivefam09-20

PRAISES:
Our Classes Are Done!
We are so blessed to have the support of our families! We love you so much!
Beth's Mom - for making the cards, tags, and spending the time to help us raise money!

PRAYER:
Beth has been having some medical issues - nothing life threatening, just enough to be a bother. Pray that her doctor can find what the problem is.
As always, pray for the finances of this adoption. This is one of the few areas that still keep us up at night!
Again, as always pray that our little Sweetie Pie is safe, and that their Birth Mom is safe, healthy and someone is taking care of her.

Love,
Steve and Beth

A Short Update

2008-10-15T21:34:00.004-04:00

Hi everyone!

We are super excited this week because we will actually get to complete a step towards bringing our little one home! We are taking the required classes from our agency on Saturday and Sunday. Yes, it will be a long few days but it will be something we can check off of our list.

We are working on a website for our design business, as soon as it is finished we will post a link on our blog.

Not a lot else has happened this week, which is always good!

FUN FACT:
Chut-tol is the Korean celebration of a child’s first birthday. Dressed in traditional clothes, the child is seated behind a table laden with various special foods. Picture-taking is an important part of the day.

PRAISES:

We have been so blessed to be a part of so many of our family and friends "growing" families. We love that we are a part of such miracles!
God loves us no matter what - and He wants the best for us, no matter what!
We have such a great family!
Beth, as always, is so thankful for Steve. He is a wonderful husband.

PRAYER:

As always, pray for our little one. We do this daily - specifically that they are safe, being cared for and shown love!
For our finances - we have said it before, this is a huge trust area for us!
That a miracle would happen and our little one would be home for Christmas 2009!!

Until next week,

Love - Steve and Beth

Random Thoughts from This Week

2008-10-08T19:37:00.011-04:00

Hello again,

Friends who have been through this experience have told us that where we are now is the hardest - the just wait time. And that is where we are. Waiting. We have done several little things for the baby, (Beth bought a sippy cup at the store and we picked out a few paint colors) but other than that we are pretty much at a standstill.

We have started to go to the adoption group at our church and last night the guest speaker was an adult adoptee. It was wonderful to hear her speak about her experience with adoption - things her parents did and didn't do, things she wished they would have... One feeling she spoke about was how she loved to have/hear/see things from when she was small. She said the best thing we can do is document everything about the time when we go through the adoption and the paperwork, and when we first have the child home. Beth has so many ideas.

Our card business is starting to pick up, (I know, shameless plug, but if you know of anyone who might be interested please have them contact us!)

That is about it! See you next week!

Love,
Steve and Beth

FUN FACT:
Hangul Day - Also called Hangul Proclamation Day or Korean Alphabet Day - is a Korean national commemorative day marking the invention and the proclamation of Hangul as the native alphabet of the Korean Language.

PRAISES:
We have been so blessed by our friends who have been so open with us about their adoptions. It is wonderful to have friends who are so open and honest about their experiences.
We are thankful for our adoption group at church.

PRAYER:
As always, please pray for our child - that they are safe, healthy, and happy.
Pray for the finances to complete this adoption! This is a huge trust factor for us!

Another Quiet Week

2008-10-01T19:46:00.011-04:00

Hello Again,

It has been another quiet week here in the Hutfilz House. We still are no further in our process, and still pray for our little one every day. Beth has been busy making greeting cards, you can see some examples below. (If you would like to place an order, you can e-mail Beth at bahutfilz@yahoo.com with the subject line "Card Order".) The pictures are all of the flat notecard style, (like a postcard size) and come beautifully wrapped.

We have been reading some of the books our agency has recommended, Beth really enjoyed "The Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother". It is a very open an honest look at adoption from the adoptive mother's perspective.
We don't have a lot to say this week... just keep praying for us!

Love,

Steve and Beth

FUN FACT:
Some Korean....We can't wait to be called this for the first time.
Mom = um-ma
Dad = ah-pah

PRAISES:

We are thankful for the Loving, wonderful God we have.
Beth is very thankful for her Steve - and how he loves her even when she gets a little crazy.
I know we have said it before, but we are so thankful for the family and friends who are supporting us on this journey!

PRAYER:

Pray that we have peace about where our child is. It is weighing heavily that we just don't know anything.
Pray that the finances we need for this whole process would come at the times we need it.
Pray for us as we prepare to become a family of three - and all the changes that come with that.
As always, pray for our little one to be healthy and safe! Also for the Birth Mother, for her safety and wellness.

A Quiet Week

2008-09-24T20:14:00.005-04:00

Hello Everyone!

We don't have a lot to report this week on the adoption front, but our little side business has had some activity! We are registering this week for our adoption classes next month, but that is about the only update we have there. For a while we won't have much of an update regarding the homecoming of our little one, at least not until Spring 2009.

Beth has had quite a few orders for the custom greeting cards she is making, and Steve has so far had one design job. We hope to have a link posted soon to show more of what we had been working on.

You know how you can hear a song a thousand times and just love it, but then one day the meaning of the song just hits you? That happened to Beth this week with Aaron Shust's song "You Watch Over Me". There is a line in this song that says "

You watch over me, in the darkest valleys,

You watch over me when the night seems long,

You help me to see the way before me

You watch over me"

And a later part that says

"Even though I walk through this shadow of death

You will guide and defend me

You’ll guard and protect me

Even though I walk through this shadow of death

You will lead me home"

Beth heard this song in the car and couldn't help but start to cry. We have been, and will continue, to pray for our child - their safety, their health, their happiness, that they have someone to love and hold them. All the things we would give anything to do for him or her right now. Hearing this song just reminded her that God is keeping them safe, healthy, happy and holding and loveing them more than we ever could.

FUN FACT

Kimchi is a vegetable dish that is allowed to ferment which allows for this food to be stored for a long time. During the cold winter months, Koreans would make Kimchi as a replacement for fresh vegetables. Today many Koreans still prepare a lot of Kimchi usually around late November through about early December. On a national level this event is called Kimjang.

PRAISES

We are truely blessed to be called to adopt. We know it isn't for everyone, and are so thankful that God has planted this in our hearts!
We are thankful for our family and friends who are supporting our new business! (Really, more info will come!)

PRAYER

As always, pray that our little one is healthy and safe.
That the finances for this adoption would fall from the sky!
That the next 12 months would just fly by!

Love,

Steve and Beth

Our FAQ Sheet

2008-09-16T19:54:00.008-04:00

We have been so overwhelmed with the support we have received, and the questions. So we thought that this week, as we really don't know much more than last about the baby, we would share the answers to our frequently asked questions. If we have missed something here, please feel free to contact us and let us know... we can always add it to a future blog.

1. South Korea! What made you decide on South Korea?

Yes, South Korea. We have many reasons for this that are very close to our hearts, including two children who have shown us time and again just how special and wonderful Adoption is. We have both always been drawn to Asian culture, but just did not feel "the pull of the Red Thread" for China. In all of our research, we kept ending up on a South Korean Adoption program page. I don't think us doing this could have been more clear had God put a blinking sign in our front yard that said "ADOPT FROM SOUTH KOREA".

2. How long does this take? When will your child come home?

Right now our agency is telling us to expect 12-18 months total, so the end of 2009- to the first half of 2010. Yes, Beth has realized that is twice as long as a woman is pregnant, but the best things come to those who wait.

3. Can you choose a boy or girl?

Nope! We can request a healthy, infant child. (The definition of infant is 0-18 months) We figured that we can't choose if we get pregnant, so why should we want to choose now.

4. Doesn't the wait drive you crazy?

Yes and no. Their are days that we feel "WOW, we still have a whole year until we are parents, can't this go any quicker?" and others that we can't belive a whole month of our journey has already passed. Someone stopped Beth and work today and asked if she was excited that a little one was going to be calling her "Ma Ma". The thought was overwhelming, but in a good way.

5. What are you most excited about?

Where to start.... loving a child, teaching them about God, and how God loves them and made them a special part of our family, how much we love them, the sleepless nights, the joy in watching your child do something for the first time, being called Mommy and Daddy, finally seeing and holding and touching the child we have already fallen so in love with... we could go on forever.

6. What scares you the most?

Right now, I think that something will happen that will prohibit us adopting, whether that is some kind of governmental change, a change in finances, whatever.... this is just such a huge trust issue for us. If Beth were pregnant, we would know what was happening with our baby, in this situation we have no idea, and won't for a while. Those of you who know Beth well know that this is an area she can use a lot of prayer.

Those are most of the questions, again if we missed something you are wondering about please let us know!

Fun Fact about South Korea:

The Korean flag is called Taegeukgi. Its design symbolizes the principles of the yin and yang in Asian philosophy.

Praises for this week:

That we have such a loving, wonderful God, and that He is in control of this.
The peace we have with how this is progressing.

Pray for us:

That our wait would feel like a minute!

That God would protect our baby, and it's birth mother and keep them safe

That our finances would be covered

Have a great week!

Love,

Steve and Beth

What A Week

2008-09-09T19:12:00.005-04:00

Wow! So much, and so little, have happened in the last seven days. First, we received word from our agency that we are "near the top of the waiting list" which means that we can expect to start our paperwork in the spring. At least we have a time line -that means we have about six months to read, take classes, and keep ourselves occupied before the paper chase begins. Hmmm... any ideas? We have started making greeting card packs to help raise money for the adoption, so if you would like to purchase any of the pre-made packs they are $10 for ten note cards and envelopes. Also, if you would be in need of announcements, invitations, specialty thank yous, etc. please let us know and we can give you a quote.

We would also like to say how overwhelmed we are with the support we have received from our friends and family after announcing our decision. We are so blessed and overjoyed to be able to share this with all of you!

Each week we will try to post a fun fact about South Korea, or its culture, praises for the week and prayer requests for the week.

FUN FACT
Korea's English nickname became "The Land of the Morning Calm"; however, this interpretation is not often used in the Korean language, and is more familiar to Koreans as a back-translation from English. This nickname was coined by Rabindranath Tagore in his poem "Land of Morning Calm" during his visit to Korea.

PRAISE FOR THIS WEEK

We found out where we are on the list
We have had such support from our friends and family

PRAYER FOR THIS WEEK

Continue to pray that we would quickly become the next family able to start this process.
Pray for our baby's Birth Mother - specifically that she would be safe, healthy and that someone would be taking care of her.
Pray for the financing of this endeavor

Thank you again for joining us on this journey!

Love,

Steve and Beth

In the Beginning

2008-09-01T23:15:00.001-04:00

Our story starts like most couples, we met in the fall of 2000, were engaged in the fall of 2002 and married in the spring of 2003. In October of 2005 we decided to try and add an addition to our family. It wasn't too long before we realized there were issues, and in October of 2006 Beth's doctor labeled us as infertile. After 7 months of treatments that should have worked, we decided to just let time heal our hearts and move on. That was in April of 2007.

After taking a few months to heal we started praying about how God wanted us to grow our family. On August 12, 2008 we decided to adopt a child. We had always discussed adoption, just never when or where. So here our journey begins......

It wasn't too long after we decided to pursue adoption of a child that we were ready to move forward. We had spent many hours discussing how and where, long before this ever became a reality for us. We have completed all of the preliminary paperwork to adopt an infant from South Korea!

Yes, on paper we are pregnant!

We are just starting out on this crazy roller coaster called Adoption, but we are hoping that you will join us along the way!

Here is a little background of where we are at now. In 2006 the Korean government made changes to their adoption process, that went into effect in 2007. This major change was that a child had to be "in the system" for at least 5 months, and during that time the Korean Social Services would try to place that child locally with a Korean family. After the 5 month time if the child had not been adopted they were released for international adoption. Because of this the system slowed a little, as there were no referrals from January until June of 2007. We are right now on the waiting list for our agency. As soon as we get closer to the top of the wait list, we will start our Home Study. Right now we have no idea when that will be, how we will finance this, or how it will all come together. We just know that God has given us such a peace about this, that we know he will put all of the pieces together for us!

How you can pray for us:

Pray that we would quickly come to the top of the Home Study List
Pray that the finances we need would come at the times we need them
Pray for our child's Birth Mother, that she would be safe, healthy, and have someone to show her love.

Lastly, if you would like to receive automatic updates on our story, please sign up using the link to the right.

Love,

Steve and Beth